Lately

We've been living, and planting and enjoying the wonderfully warm spring so far, but we've also been fighting off colds, and not fighting them off, and teaching clay classes, and mowing grass and figuring out how to adjust to the spring weather, and coping with spring fever (as said by a certain five year old before she goes wild, screaming and running around).

Spring is a particularly fraught time around here for some reason, it's lovely and enjoyable but it also tends to bring out the sensitivity in my super sensitive spirited child, clothes itch, and labels annoy, sounds seem way too loud,( I think because we've lost the acoustic cushioning of the snow) and we have to deal with so many new shoes and coats and routines. It's all a little much- though I notice as she gets older how much easier it all is- how many coping mechanisms she has now, where she used to just scream. I used to think all kids were like that, because N is our first we just assumed they would all take 5 minutes to fix their socks so that the seam was just right flipping out about it until she was inconsolable, but then her tantrums went even crazier (in spring, I used to joke that we needed a poster that counted how many days since the last tantrum- except ours would be counted in minutes) and I read  this book- it's a game changer.

She still gets frustrated- but I can mostly talk her out of it, and she usually doesn't tantrum at all, this spring she's had probably two a week, but that's nothing comparatively. She also plays by herself, and is pretty much self contained doing crafts or playing games, or writing little books (her last one featured Rose, a girl who goes into the woods and gets chased by wolves, who she then teaches and in return the wolves teach her to howl at the moon.) She also staged a wedding for our two male cats- When I pointed out that they were both boys, she was like "but they love each other and they're best friends, and I remember you said that boys can marry each other if they love each other", So we showered them with flower petals and threw them a party, and made them say their vows, and I was so proud of my little open minded girl. She also knows that Nelson and Ferdinand (the cats) can't have kids naturally, but she's holding out hope that they'll choose to adopt a kitten.

I also got a new camera and it's really fantastic- I ended up with the nikon d3200, which came with a zoom lens- but I bought a 35 mm prime lens to go with it too- and I'm so glad I did- the photo quality is just awesome.  I haven't even gotten into the program that comes with it to adjust them after- all these photos are not edited at all (except for size), the light and colour quality straight out of the camera is amazing.

In the garden the rhubarb is growing already and the asparagus is up and Little A is eating all the rhubarb she get her hands on, all winter she was pining for the days that she could "walk out to the garden and eat rhubarb" and now those days are here. She was helping us plant potatoes and throwing them in the ground a little too hard so I said to her, put them in the ground gently like they're babies, she promptly cradled the wrinkled seed potato in her arms and said "awww he's so cute, I will take care of you and be there for you in the morning when you wake up" to every. potato. she put in the ground. Adorable, and time consuming. But mostly how great to be at an age when you think treating something like a baby means to whisper sweet things to it and cuddle it close to you, Precious.

Happenings

Is there anything more festive than tissue paper hearts that accordian out?  The girls watched me unfurl it like it was some sort of magic. Love is in the air. I think Valentines Day is the biggest school holiday, so much preparation is involved, and the excitement is un real. Or possibly any holiday celebrated in February would be a big deal- it's so wintery- and the novelty is wearing off slightly.

My studio however has been seeing a bit more use- My easel is set up- the paints are laid out- the brushes are wet- and today- Canvases stretched- I haven't stretched a canvas in a few years- but it really is like riding a bike- and so satisfying to methodically staple it all down so that it's drum tight and utterly transformed into a surface worthy of paint. Lovely.

These books were my latest Amazon scores (does anyone elses recommended reading list from amazon scare them- it's like some sort of alternate universe in which you are an extreme version of yourself), I loved "Steal like an artist"- it's small and short- I read it in one night- but full of good wisdom. You know how sometimes you know something- but you don't really act on it- or people tell it to you all the time but it doesn't make a difference and then someone says it and it just clicks- either you're ready for it- or something about the delivery makes you take notice- or whatever and suddeenly it becomes a big truth. This book has lots of moments like that in it. It's good. (I also love it when advice books give me the advice that I'm already acting on from my own intuition- makes me feel like I'm awesome, even when the advice is pretty basic).

Happy Valentines my dears! hope you're all enjoying some slightly sticky kisses (or is that just me- the kids are pretty much coated in a film of chocolate of sugar these days...)

A cozy winter morning

I love the way these two interact, there is such affection and mutual admiration there, it makes me so glad. I know that they are fated to be friends forever. I look forward to seeing them grow up together, and I am so pleased that they will have a partner in that.

On Surrender

There is thing that no one tells you about the first year of your kids life, that survival depends on you bending to their tiny wills. And the newborn is a pro at eliciting this surrender, they are so tiny and cute and special that you will later say that you were honoured to get up six times in the night to nurse and cuddle them back to sleep. I've even said that I miss those special night moments, when the child is finally sleeping through the night.

See - for this first year it's essential that you put their needs first for their survival, it truly doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, but for now the best way to get through it to try to surrender to it as gracefully as possible. This is not easy. It's a big wake up call to the true nature of motherhood, if you're feeling poetic about it you could say that it pushes you to understand how to give, how little is really required for you to survive, how love will make it possible for you to push past all your limits. If you're not being poetic- the truth is that baby owns you. In the nicest possible way of course, and they are falling for you too- learning that you cradle them in just that way, and that your smell and feel means safety and contentment.

It's a kind of a gift, this call to surrender, and a bit of a pain too, and it's difficult to negotiate.You have to distill down what you need to refill your well (because you do have to do that too- you can't just run on nothing for a year and expect it to be okay)- to try and understand that you will be you again, that in fact you are still you- just a different you, with a little less time and sleep, and messier hair. You have to learn to snatch inspiration in small bits, to humble yourself, to distinguish need from want; to figure out how to surrender to motherhood gracefully.

When The Cat's Away...

On Sunday I started a new course, it's about business plans for self employed artists, which is a bit of a revelation- as I'm sure most of us don't even have business plans. I had to come up with a vision statement- for myself and my art- which is something that I would never have done otherwise. It's amazing to clarify your purpose, dreams or goals in that way, for anyone, but I think we hold an aura around art making that makes it seem as though it should happen without goals, or in spite of them maybe.

At any rate, thinking about what I want to accomplish with my art in a broader sense- beyond just 'make the next piece of work- and hopefully make it good' is something I've never really done. I feel as though when it comes to art making I'm always plodding along staring at my feet trying so hard to just put one foot in front of the other, without really looking at a map. But now this course is making me chart the way, and I feel as though I'm looking up- stretching my back and shading my eyes to see where I'm actually going.

It's a revelation, but not an easy one, so much introspection takes work, and doing that much introspection with a room full of strangers is even tougher. Sunday I felt elated- Monday I felt drained, made worse by the stress of leaving N and K alone together for the longest time yet- 7:30 am to 6:00 pm with- no breast milk !!! I was super wound up about this- even though K assured me it would be fine, I was worried, and yet it was fine- despite the bout of tears and the tiny snow boots held up to me while I was leaving they were fine- great actually- I was greeted by a clean kitchen and supper on the stove, and while N was having a good long milk session, I was even brought a beer by my handsome husband.

The next morning I picked up the camera to take a few pictures, and I found these photos of N, taken by her Dada, and was struck by the extremes it is possible to experience in one day, and how lucky we are to have them.

I Love...looking on the bright side

This month has been great- thinking about the things that fill my days with love has been uplifting, and it's been a great way to put a positive spin on what could otherwise be a pretty grim month. There's always a bright side, and I have buckets of thanks for Kerry and everyone else who shared their loves this month.

I Love...how grown up she's getting

(carrying baby Elmo in a sling- she's very attentive to her babies)

N has been having a few tantrums lately, I don't know when it started but suddenly I realized she's not just crying when she doesn't get her way- she's a little out of control. So yesterday I read some advice about them- and I think we're on our way to dealing with them. The main reason for most of her outbursts is when she can't tell us what she wants, you see she has some pretty specific requests, and they're hard to interpret with grunts and hand gestures, which is where she's at. She makes lots of sounds and does a few 'words' (ca for cat- aipe-for diaper), but when she wants things she makes hand gestures or pushes us and moves our bodies to make us see/pick her up/walk over there- she also does a great dismissive wave and head shake if the things we're offering are not what she wants.

And what she wants is not so easy anymore- they're two or three step maneuvers hard to interpret- such as-"oh...you want to get that eraser from the office and put it in the mouth of the doll in the living room the one that sings while you press it's tummy- all while sitting on my lap, not on your own, in this chair- not that chair- definitely not that chair, and I press the tummy, and you put in the eraser, not the other way around, and then we clap". I think she's learning and she's developing these skills and she understands us and I wasn't challenging her enough. I was still at the last stage and she's moved on- moved on to helping wash dishes and counters, to sweeping and dumping flour in the mixer, to making her own art instead of just watching me- and she was getting bored, and then frustrated and then mad.

I need to find new activities for her- I need to challenge her- and seriously at this rate she's going to be keeping me on my toes- I feel sorry for her future teachers. Yesterday I let her help more and I was shocked by what she could do, and at how her attitude changed so much just by me explaining things to her, and asking her things. It's a beautiful thing to see a person grow.

I love...this image

From Martha Stewart Magazine- the colours on these bowls are so inspiring to me- I'm feeling like I need more colour in my life right now. Those of you who know my house will think that it would be impossible to do that- it's pretty bright- I have a no white rule for my walls because we get so much white in winter it's enough. White is an accent colour around here. But still- I want soft spring colours right now, and something brighter, something that hints about how spring is right around the corner, because it's snowing again here today- and that is too much.

I love...Meringues

These cookies are so yummy and light and melt in your mouth, perfect for kids actually, and low fat too- though not low sugar, still...delicious. Recipe here enjoy!

I Love...Nursing

N is 18 months old now, and still nursing, sometimes only a couple of times a day, and other days it seems like she's tugging at my shirt every hour. I thought I'd be doing it for a year- but soon after she was born I knew it would be longer- whenever she's in pain, or grouchy, or just out of sorts we can nurse and the quiet cuddle time acts like a re-set switch. I know that we'll stop around her second birthday, or sooner if wants to, but for now I'm just enjoying our quiet time- and loving that I can soothe almost anything this way, because there won't always be such an easy fix to her problems, not to mention an easy way to distract her while I'm busy!

Marshmallow Recipe

Marshmallows

3 pkg unflavoured gelatin
1 1/2 c sugar
1 c light corn syrup (regular corn syrup works too- has a faint molasses-y flavour)
1/4 tsp kosher salt
1Tbsp Vanilla extract
1 cup water (or fruit juice if you want to flvaour these that way)

confectioners sugar for dusting

(A stand mixer is not essential for these-but there's a lot of mixing involved- so it's very very handy, I've never made them with a hand held mixer)
Combine Gelatin and 1/2 c of cold water in the bowl of mixer with a wire whip attachment. (I've used fruit juice in this step to replace the water and make a flavoured marshmallow- raspberry is especially good).

Meanwhile combine sugar, corn syrup, salt and 1/2 cup water in medium saucepan (mixture will bubble up quite a bit), cook over medium heat until sugar dissolves, raise the heat to high and cook until it reaches 240 on a candy thermometer, remove from heat, on low speed mix syrup mixture into the gelatin, add the vanilla as it's mixing, put mixer on high speed for about 15 min. or till very thick- you should see strands of marshmallow slightly stick to the sides of the bowl as it spins. It should hold it's shape fairly well- like a meringue - but not be too solid. Dust and 8-12 pan with icing sugar and pour marshmallow mixture in- dust the top with sugar and allow to set.

Once set- you can cut into squares- or use cookie cutters- dust with icing sugar- or icing sugar and cinnamon and store covered- for a couple of weeks- they last a surprisingly ling time- and freeze well too.

I also make viva puff style cookies by piping the marshmallow mixture over sugar cookies dolloped with jam- then dipping the while thing in chocolate- or coconut flakes. In order to do that you have to work fast- and have all the cookies laid out with jam, and the piping bag- I use a giant zip lock bag with a corner cut off-ready. The marshmallow needs to be still workable but stiff enough to hold it's shape, this is easiest to gauge after a few runs- and if it's too runny you can simply pop it back in the mixer for a minute or two. It makes a lot of cookies- maybe 10 dozen 1.5 inch cookies. You can also pipe these into shapes, like the hearts I made for hot chocolate- I dream of using it to make snow on a gingerbread house- one day...

I love...homemade marshmallows

Yum!

I Love...Warm Winter days

This weekend it was so warm we spent a lot of time outside, we even slid down some snow banks, and built our snow lady, who promptly melted.

I Love...My Babe

(I can barely believe that those pictures are of the same girl-how fast they grow)

Prayer For a Daughter

God of man and God of nature,

Shape my daughter like the seasons.

Give her all the song of springtime

And the subtlety of April,

Generosity of summer,

Warmth and all the sweet fulfillment,

And the sparkling wit of Autumn,

Color like October hillsides.

Lest her charms may be too many,

Give her something of the winter:

Stars and distances and silence,

Courage of the open spaces,

Wisdom of the waiting branches.

Don't forget to give her winter.

Esther Wood

I Love...My Sweetheart

It's true- I do love my husband- a lot- he's my best friend and partner, and I don't know what I'd do without him. I had a realization this spring- that as much as K and I share interests- we're very essentially very different- and when we butt heads about something it usually comes out of the mix a little bit more complete because we have both sides of it figured out individually. And that's a beautiful thing, not only to love someone but to love someone who shares your passions and pushes you to make something of your passions.

We've been together a scant 8 years- but during those years we've been busy- building our life together- putting together piece after piece, working towards common dreams, and a better, if more 'real' relationship. We're not overly romantic as a couple and honestly haven't had a date night yet- without our daughter- or felt the need to really- we connect every day, in a million little ways, and I love that.

I Love...Garden Tomatoes

These ones were destined for roasted tomato soup using this recipe. It was good but I had to do a bit of fixing because my tomatoes were frozen so I took out the liquid half way through and roasted for an extra hour to get the garlic cooked through. Delicious and easy and it was a hit with all family members.

The tomatoes were just washed and cored and any bad bits taken off then frozen in zip locks, they took up a lot of freezer room but were so easy to put away- and have been really easy to use too- I've even just put one in a saucepan with some onions and Swiss chard and let it thaw out and then eaten on pasta. we froze them according to colour as well- yellow and orange together, and red together, just for the novelty of it.

I Love...Winter

I get a little sick of winter by this time of year it's true- but really I do love it. I spent my teenage years in Vancouver, which is beautiful for sure, and I'm jealous when my mom talks about the bluebells opening in February. But I love Manitoba winters, they're cold- really cold- freeze your eyelashes together cold- but the sun is out a lot, and the sky is bright clear blue, and I find that so reassuring.

I also love snowdrifts, I love the way they are records of the wind, and their fluid, yet icy nature. I love the glittering surface of the snow and the deep blue shadows they form. I love the way that they can be small yet monumental, and also unbelievable.

I Love...Houseplants

These flowers have made the house feel so much more welcoming and warm than it usually does in February. It's a luxurious feeling to have plants inside- one that I haven't had until this year because the cats have habitually eaten all the plants I've ever brought home. Nelson will even pull flowers out of vases and run through the house with them clenched in his teeth like he's doing the tango. But they leave things that smell alone for the most part and these Paperwhites smell a little like burning wire (K identified the smell- he said he was looking for any possible causes one day, until he finally realised it was the flowers).

I have no idea what the first flower is though -it's a tree like plant with not very many leaves but lots of flower buds- maybe a double flowering hibiscus?? any ideas??

I Love...the reading corner

We put this bed out in our porch mainly because there was no other place for it- but it's actually a very niceplace to sit and chill and read a book and look out the window. I've put all of N's books in the cupboard next to the bed and she uses the rubbermaid tub as a step stool (fancy I know) so she can get up and down off the bed easily. She loves it, I love it, it's all good.

I Love..Happy hair

N was born with a Mohawk like swath of hair on top of her head, which has not changed- the top is long and the sides...well not so long- they're growing, but they're not in any kind of hurry. She's also got sweet little ringlets at the back- which are cute but will eventually have to go or a mullet will be on the horizon, and that simply won't fly. But for now she's got this hair that can be either Kewpie Doll or with a little bit of lotion-Punk Princess, It's fabulous, and so indicitive of her nature.