Lately

We've been living, and planting and enjoying the wonderfully warm spring so far, but we've also been fighting off colds, and not fighting them off, and teaching clay classes, and mowing grass and figuring out how to adjust to the spring weather, and coping with spring fever (as said by a certain five year old before she goes wild, screaming and running around).

Spring is a particularly fraught time around here for some reason, it's lovely and enjoyable but it also tends to bring out the sensitivity in my super sensitive spirited child, clothes itch, and labels annoy, sounds seem way too loud,( I think because we've lost the acoustic cushioning of the snow) and we have to deal with so many new shoes and coats and routines. It's all a little much- though I notice as she gets older how much easier it all is- how many coping mechanisms she has now, where she used to just scream. I used to think all kids were like that, because N is our first we just assumed they would all take 5 minutes to fix their socks so that the seam was just right flipping out about it until she was inconsolable, but then her tantrums went even crazier (in spring, I used to joke that we needed a poster that counted how many days since the last tantrum- except ours would be counted in minutes) and I read  this book- it's a game changer.

She still gets frustrated- but I can mostly talk her out of it, and she usually doesn't tantrum at all, this spring she's had probably two a week, but that's nothing comparatively. She also plays by herself, and is pretty much self contained doing crafts or playing games, or writing little books (her last one featured Rose, a girl who goes into the woods and gets chased by wolves, who she then teaches and in return the wolves teach her to howl at the moon.) She also staged a wedding for our two male cats- When I pointed out that they were both boys, she was like "but they love each other and they're best friends, and I remember you said that boys can marry each other if they love each other", So we showered them with flower petals and threw them a party, and made them say their vows, and I was so proud of my little open minded girl. She also knows that Nelson and Ferdinand (the cats) can't have kids naturally, but she's holding out hope that they'll choose to adopt a kitten.

I also got a new camera and it's really fantastic- I ended up with the nikon d3200, which came with a zoom lens- but I bought a 35 mm prime lens to go with it too- and I'm so glad I did- the photo quality is just awesome.  I haven't even gotten into the program that comes with it to adjust them after- all these photos are not edited at all (except for size), the light and colour quality straight out of the camera is amazing.

In the garden the rhubarb is growing already and the asparagus is up and Little A is eating all the rhubarb she get her hands on, all winter she was pining for the days that she could "walk out to the garden and eat rhubarb" and now those days are here. She was helping us plant potatoes and throwing them in the ground a little too hard so I said to her, put them in the ground gently like they're babies, she promptly cradled the wrinkled seed potato in her arms and said "awww he's so cute, I will take care of you and be there for you in the morning when you wake up" to every. potato. she put in the ground. Adorable, and time consuming. But mostly how great to be at an age when you think treating something like a baby means to whisper sweet things to it and cuddle it close to you, Precious.

First Day

Oh Man- I can't believe it -N is at school. The weather played along beautifully giving us that first crisp morning- new backpack squeaking, and nerves fluttering away in your stomach. She of course did remarkably well, no tears, only a small anxiety, mostly excitement.   I'm hit by melancholy that is unexpected, huddling a cup of milky decaf with a few drops of rescue remedy lingering under my tongue, not a mess, but not quite hunky dory either.

I was not expecting myself to feel anything but relieved at having more free time, and I can use it, and there will be less of it than I think, the 2 yr old making sure of that- but I feel a sense of loss too, or not quite loss- but nerves, and nostalgia. These years do slip by, and my baby girl is not a baby anymore at all, I can't even hold on to a little bit of her baby ways- she even pronounces the R in her name now- though I know Kindergarten is a slow year, it's the beginning of quicker years, of school buses and field trips, and of her making connections I know nothing of, and of her growing up- which I heartily look forward to, but I think I must also mark it's passing.

And N, my sensitive spirited child- who is so attached to me that she's made special rituals up that she "can remember me by" when I leave, who kisses me goodnight in a special pattern, that MUST happen, is totally fine and at ease in her classroom. The only request she made was that I tell her before I leave the classroom- but really she was trying to say goodbye to Me and Baby A as soon as she got up this morning. When I did say goodbye- she gave me a big hug and quickly checked that the hair elastic was on her wrist (to remember me by- the equivalent of a string tied around a finger, I sometimes wonder if she stops when I'm not there, and fingers it- wondering- "who am I supposed to remember? Oh right, MOM!- like I'm some errand she could forget if she got distracted), then ran off to sit and listen to the story on the carpet, I'm sure she will excel in Kindergarten.

I'm sure too she's in the right place- people know her, she was greeted by her name in the classroom - stopped by another teacher in the hall and asked her name, and congratulated on her hello kitty backpack (it's all about the backpack). It's a small school, just the right size for her- and she will love it there, and be safe, and learn all sorts of lessons.

This Week

This week spring came out with a vengeance, and we got so much done- the garden cleared, the stoop swept, some onions and garlic transplanted, the overwintered carrots and beets in the ground for seed (which is the first year we've done that- it's a bit of an experiment). But then the amazing heat went away again, and now it's a typical Manitoba spring; 10 degrees and super windy, but the end is in sight, the snow is gone (mostly), and things are sprouting.

The kids are so happy to be out of doors, except when N is grouchy, which is quite a lot of late- I've just read this disequilibrium theory, that kids are always unbalanced around their half years (like when 3.5 yrs old, 4.5, 5.5 etc), because they're learning and growing so much, and then they balance out again at their birthdays. I'm not really sure I totally believe it- but it does make me feel less like I'm raising a raging manic depressive maniac, so I'll cling to it for now. I have noticed that she usually tests us most when she's developing, or when I'm not challenging her enough (mentally you know- not challenging her to a fight or anything), so there's usually some new awesome skills that come out of a tough period. I just have to make it through the tough times without my eyeballs bursting from the high blood pressure, no big deal.

(also does this half year disequilibrium ever stop? because both myself and my kids all celebrate birthdays within a two week period, and if this theory applies to adults as well- we should probably just quarantine ourselves between January and May)

For now I'll just content myself with showcasing the (many) good moments from our days, and try to erase the tantrums and whining from my memory.

Snow

 

The snow has come. And probably will melt away- but for a couple of days snow angels have ruled the yard. The tractors got snowed on- then plugged in and hastily stowed away for the winter. It seems that we are behind on our fall chores, and in this way I see how important my hands are to the running of this place. It doesn't always seem that I do too much outside of the house- but when I'm completely absorbed with the small one, it sort of falls apart, K has to make suppers, do laundry, entertain the big girl, and it's simply too much to do that plus everything outside too.

 

I honestly didn't see this coming when I planned the big garden, when I dragged out the flower pots and the toys, and the outdoor furniture in  the spring, I didn't factor in how much time the baby would consume. It was silly- but part of me will be happy when it just snows for good- and the things left undone outside (planting garlic, tilling, transplanting, leaf picking up, outdoor furnishings packed away) will just have to stay undone till spring.  I'm actually looking forward to snow this year, to the quiet winter time.

On Surrender

There is thing that no one tells you about the first year of your kids life, that survival depends on you bending to their tiny wills. And the newborn is a pro at eliciting this surrender, they are so tiny and cute and special that you will later say that you were honoured to get up six times in the night to nurse and cuddle them back to sleep. I've even said that I miss those special night moments, when the child is finally sleeping through the night.

See - for this first year it's essential that you put their needs first for their survival, it truly doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, but for now the best way to get through it to try to surrender to it as gracefully as possible. This is not easy. It's a big wake up call to the true nature of motherhood, if you're feeling poetic about it you could say that it pushes you to understand how to give, how little is really required for you to survive, how love will make it possible for you to push past all your limits. If you're not being poetic- the truth is that baby owns you. In the nicest possible way of course, and they are falling for you too- learning that you cradle them in just that way, and that your smell and feel means safety and contentment.

It's a kind of a gift, this call to surrender, and a bit of a pain too, and it's difficult to negotiate.You have to distill down what you need to refill your well (because you do have to do that too- you can't just run on nothing for a year and expect it to be okay)- to try and understand that you will be you again, that in fact you are still you- just a different you, with a little less time and sleep, and messier hair. You have to learn to snatch inspiration in small bits, to humble yourself, to distinguish need from want; to figure out how to surrender to motherhood gracefully.

Fall

 

 

I'd forgotten how your world narrows when you have an infant, your priorities shift to the most basic and your world is focused on the needs of this tiny person.  It doesn't seem that long ago that N was that small, but it was I guess, and it's so fleeting anyhow, that you easily forget how it actually feels to be so sleep deprived (the fleeting-ness is a mixed blessing- you alternately want to keep them this small forever, or fast forward till they sleep through the night- which is presumably when they move out of your house right?). Anyhow I am now counting the day a success if everyone is alive, basic personal hygiene is maintained, the house is reasonably clean, and people are fed. That's it, everything else is a bonus.

 

This does not bode well for the hundreds of ripe tomatoes in my porch... though the longer I wait to do anything with them, the less of them there will be to do anything with. There's a bit of a sacrificial tomato vibe out in the porch right now, I'm not loving it. So I've been trying to squeeze in some freezing, and some sauce making, which is all very difficult to do with an infant who has somehow figured out that sleeping on mom is the best thing ever, (thank goodness for the ring sling), and a Toddler who is now asking why about everything- like why does the earth orbit the sun (which is probably my own fault as my answer to her question of why it's Fall now, was accompanied by you tube videos about the earth and the sun, and why we have seasons- the upshot is she can now mimic how the earth orbits the sun by holding one fist still and rotating the other fist around it, she also knows that the sun is a star, the earth is a planet, and if we moved the earth closer to the sun our year would be shorter-so your birthday would come faster, but we would also be too hot).

 

Anyways- I suppose this is an explanation of sorts for why I've been so absent here- though last night she slept well- only getting up at 12, 3 and 6 which is totally remarkable- fingers crossed it will continue, and I can resume mt regular erratic posting schedule.

Navel Gazing

Photo taken by my Mom- you can see the bump in my lap there- it looks like a
beach ball on my lap.

 

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the mental prep for childbirth. I am currently in the

"any day now" stage of pregnancy, and specifically as I went to the Dr. last week and she was pretty sure that labour would start soon. Which of course makes you crazy, thinking about what needs to be done, and how it's all going to go and what it all means, and everyone asking you how you are feeling all. the. time.

 

Well anyhow- a few days after being told that the baby would possibly be here early- it's still not here- or birthed I suppose I should say. This is fine with me really- a few more nights to get a good rest in, a few more days to do some laundry and to prep the big sister for what's coming, a chance to let my body do it's job without getting induced or forced or whatever, the baby is happy and healthy, I'm healthy, it's all good. But this last week has made me think about what is required to bring this kid out, I mean Labour is really the equivalent of running a marathon stamina wise- you need to be in good shape, and any other little niggle of doubt, or pain or fear is not going to help in the end goal (my end goal is as natural a birth as possible, no pain meds beside laughing gas, and no other interventions that are not strictly needed, just because I think the odds are better health wise for both mama and baby in that situation- less recovery time, better breastfeeding, less complications and grogginess etc).

 

This time around I am aware of how tired I will be after it all- and how much effort it's going to take, and also I'm aware that I'm bringing a new element into my family life. It's going to be an adjustment, no matter how happy an adjustment, and I'm aware that there are things that make my family run more smoothly; a good sleep schedule, nutritious, plentiful and tasty food, a clean house, a really regular routine, with minimal visits, and fewer planned activities.

 

So I'm trying to get those things in order- just in case it happens early, remembering to take some time to look inward as well, to prepare myself mentally for the emotional aspect of birth, to give myself some space to breathe, and think, and get calm, and ready and excited all at the same time. To minimize doubts about this (because really it's a bit too late for that right? I'm sort of committed to this whole second child thing now...though putting that extra car seat in was a bit of Woah! moment), to reassure myself that I can do this in any way I have to, that I will be as strong as I need to be, whatever happens. It's a pretty big deal, a pretty big transition to make, and navigate and I want to enjoy that as well, that in between time, when things are just on the cusp of changing, when you have to give up control, and let something else take over.

 

I'm going to be a bit absent here for a while, at least until the baby comes and then probably after it's here for a 'coupla few minutes' as N would say too- but I will let you know when the new sweet one emerges, I promise.

 

Pacing ourselves

The old iron bed I made an outdoor cushion for will eventually go by the garden- but for now it's sitting in between the spruce trees on the lane, and it's a wonderfully private place to relax and enjoy a cuddle.

The remnants of some cold sticky treat are ever present around N's mouth these hot days.

 

I've been trying to learn how to pace myself this last little while. You see, this whole making a baby inside me thing is sort of tough work, and for some reason this pregnancy is taking a little more effort on my part. I don't know if I just don't remember how it felt the first time- recalling only those last super nesting days (months) when I was like a hurricane of weeding and pickling and baking and sewing, and painting and redecorating, and blanching and freezing.  Seriously, I kept a journal of my daily chores- it is mind boggling- on the day N was due I made two types of pickles (which included pulling the veggies from the garden, and cleaning them), baked a pie- (peach raspberry with a lattice top- hands down one of the best pies I've ever made), and cleaned the house in preparation for a new couch being delivered. I am not feeling that Superwoman vibe this time around, and I think I've got more on my plate now too.

So  I'm trying to adopt a pace somewhere between toddler and my normal non-hormonal self, which would be a good one I think, if I can garner enough patience to immerse myself in it. I've been paying attention to my girl a lot lately- the way that she can focus on a task for about 30-40 minutes and then it's time for a break, a snack, a rest, a story, just something different. When she starts fidgeting or filling my shoes with dirt- or trying to sit on my lap while I crouch down to weed plants it's a sign that she's had enough for now, and it's probably time for me to have a break too.

I'm really trying to take my work and fit it into little bite size chunks, to accept that what would usually take me a day or two will take double that time right now. I'm trying to remind myself to rest now and again, to take a page from the toddler's book and set aside a few moments to listen to the bees, or play with the worms, or to just do everything a bit  more slowly. Sometimes I find myself rushing around doing something harmless, but the speed I'm doing it at is totally too much, it's like extreme kitchen cleaning or something, and that will wear a person out.

The funny thing about all this is that normally my Toddler's pace drives me crazy when I have stuff to do. I also get frustrated with the way they are so intense and busy at certain times, then totally lackadaisical other times. I like to get stuff done, I like to get it done efficiently, both my husband and I value timeliness, and concise working habits- which are not big on the toddler skill list. Sometimes though, you miss things when you hurry about your work, and there's something magical about the way that a Toddler will take their time to do things and allow their curiosity to choose their direction. It's sometimes frustrating as a busy parent- but you have to admire it as well, you know?

I feel like one of the things that N has taught me is patience, and I value that immensely- the biggest compliments I've gotten as a parent have been when someone tells me that I'm so patient with her (usually after hearing me coerce her to do something, like try to sit on the potty, or put clothes on). Patience is a value that doesn't come naturally to me, it's probably the thing I work hardest at cultivating in myself. It's also one of the first things to fly out the window when I'm tired or stressed or whatever, that's why it's such a big compliment to hear how patient I am with N. It's an effort for me to be that patient, but I want her to learn that skill early on, to learn that it is something you can learn to be. Maybe the thing that this yet to be born babe will teach me is how to be patient with myself- because that is way tougher than just being patient with the adorable blondie who will cry when I'm not patient with her.