Snow

 

The snow has come. And probably will melt away- but for a couple of days snow angels have ruled the yard. The tractors got snowed on- then plugged in and hastily stowed away for the winter. It seems that we are behind on our fall chores, and in this way I see how important my hands are to the running of this place. It doesn't always seem that I do too much outside of the house- but when I'm completely absorbed with the small one, it sort of falls apart, K has to make suppers, do laundry, entertain the big girl, and it's simply too much to do that plus everything outside too.

 

I honestly didn't see this coming when I planned the big garden, when I dragged out the flower pots and the toys, and the outdoor furniture in  the spring, I didn't factor in how much time the baby would consume. It was silly- but part of me will be happy when it just snows for good- and the things left undone outside (planting garlic, tilling, transplanting, leaf picking up, outdoor furnishings packed away) will just have to stay undone till spring.  I'm actually looking forward to snow this year, to the quiet winter time.

On Surrender

There is thing that no one tells you about the first year of your kids life, that survival depends on you bending to their tiny wills. And the newborn is a pro at eliciting this surrender, they are so tiny and cute and special that you will later say that you were honoured to get up six times in the night to nurse and cuddle them back to sleep. I've even said that I miss those special night moments, when the child is finally sleeping through the night.

See - for this first year it's essential that you put their needs first for their survival, it truly doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, but for now the best way to get through it to try to surrender to it as gracefully as possible. This is not easy. It's a big wake up call to the true nature of motherhood, if you're feeling poetic about it you could say that it pushes you to understand how to give, how little is really required for you to survive, how love will make it possible for you to push past all your limits. If you're not being poetic- the truth is that baby owns you. In the nicest possible way of course, and they are falling for you too- learning that you cradle them in just that way, and that your smell and feel means safety and contentment.

It's a kind of a gift, this call to surrender, and a bit of a pain too, and it's difficult to negotiate.You have to distill down what you need to refill your well (because you do have to do that too- you can't just run on nothing for a year and expect it to be okay)- to try and understand that you will be you again, that in fact you are still you- just a different you, with a little less time and sleep, and messier hair. You have to learn to snatch inspiration in small bits, to humble yourself, to distinguish need from want; to figure out how to surrender to motherhood gracefully.

Fall

 

 

I'd forgotten how your world narrows when you have an infant, your priorities shift to the most basic and your world is focused on the needs of this tiny person.  It doesn't seem that long ago that N was that small, but it was I guess, and it's so fleeting anyhow, that you easily forget how it actually feels to be so sleep deprived (the fleeting-ness is a mixed blessing- you alternately want to keep them this small forever, or fast forward till they sleep through the night- which is presumably when they move out of your house right?). Anyhow I am now counting the day a success if everyone is alive, basic personal hygiene is maintained, the house is reasonably clean, and people are fed. That's it, everything else is a bonus.

 

This does not bode well for the hundreds of ripe tomatoes in my porch... though the longer I wait to do anything with them, the less of them there will be to do anything with. There's a bit of a sacrificial tomato vibe out in the porch right now, I'm not loving it. So I've been trying to squeeze in some freezing, and some sauce making, which is all very difficult to do with an infant who has somehow figured out that sleeping on mom is the best thing ever, (thank goodness for the ring sling), and a Toddler who is now asking why about everything- like why does the earth orbit the sun (which is probably my own fault as my answer to her question of why it's Fall now, was accompanied by you tube videos about the earth and the sun, and why we have seasons- the upshot is she can now mimic how the earth orbits the sun by holding one fist still and rotating the other fist around it, she also knows that the sun is a star, the earth is a planet, and if we moved the earth closer to the sun our year would be shorter-so your birthday would come faster, but we would also be too hot).

 

Anyways- I suppose this is an explanation of sorts for why I've been so absent here- though last night she slept well- only getting up at 12, 3 and 6 which is totally remarkable- fingers crossed it will continue, and I can resume mt regular erratic posting schedule.

Navel Gazing

Photo taken by my Mom- you can see the bump in my lap there- it looks like a
beach ball on my lap.

 

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the mental prep for childbirth. I am currently in the

"any day now" stage of pregnancy, and specifically as I went to the Dr. last week and she was pretty sure that labour would start soon. Which of course makes you crazy, thinking about what needs to be done, and how it's all going to go and what it all means, and everyone asking you how you are feeling all. the. time.

 

Well anyhow- a few days after being told that the baby would possibly be here early- it's still not here- or birthed I suppose I should say. This is fine with me really- a few more nights to get a good rest in, a few more days to do some laundry and to prep the big sister for what's coming, a chance to let my body do it's job without getting induced or forced or whatever, the baby is happy and healthy, I'm healthy, it's all good. But this last week has made me think about what is required to bring this kid out, I mean Labour is really the equivalent of running a marathon stamina wise- you need to be in good shape, and any other little niggle of doubt, or pain or fear is not going to help in the end goal (my end goal is as natural a birth as possible, no pain meds beside laughing gas, and no other interventions that are not strictly needed, just because I think the odds are better health wise for both mama and baby in that situation- less recovery time, better breastfeeding, less complications and grogginess etc).

 

This time around I am aware of how tired I will be after it all- and how much effort it's going to take, and also I'm aware that I'm bringing a new element into my family life. It's going to be an adjustment, no matter how happy an adjustment, and I'm aware that there are things that make my family run more smoothly; a good sleep schedule, nutritious, plentiful and tasty food, a clean house, a really regular routine, with minimal visits, and fewer planned activities.

 

So I'm trying to get those things in order- just in case it happens early, remembering to take some time to look inward as well, to prepare myself mentally for the emotional aspect of birth, to give myself some space to breathe, and think, and get calm, and ready and excited all at the same time. To minimize doubts about this (because really it's a bit too late for that right? I'm sort of committed to this whole second child thing now...though putting that extra car seat in was a bit of Woah! moment), to reassure myself that I can do this in any way I have to, that I will be as strong as I need to be, whatever happens. It's a pretty big deal, a pretty big transition to make, and navigate and I want to enjoy that as well, that in between time, when things are just on the cusp of changing, when you have to give up control, and let something else take over.

 

I'm going to be a bit absent here for a while, at least until the baby comes and then probably after it's here for a 'coupla few minutes' as N would say too- but I will let you know when the new sweet one emerges, I promise.

 

Twenty Nine

I am 29 today, (just writing that made a little bit of sweat break out on my upper lip), I'm not usually maudlin about birthdays but this one is a bit tough, I feel like I should be a grown up by now- and in a lot of ways I am one ( mom? check, homeowner? check, degree? check, responsible? check), but I'm also not quite what I thought a grown up would be. I didn't expect to feel so much the same, so much just like me- and then I'm not so surprised as well- who else would I be?

I am aware that evaluating oneself on one's birthday is a bit trite, but it also seems to be inescapable, for some reason. And even though I'm admittedly, no questions asked a Grown Up Lady, ( I suppose I have the right to be flattered instead of insulted when I get carded now? am I old enough for that yet?), I find that I've spent most of this year reconnecting with the girl I was as a child- helping to get back in touch with what I loved about myself as a kid.

This year I did the Artists' Way, and I took part in workshops designed to make artists better at running their own businesses, and I loved them both probably because they asked things like "what did you love to eat as a kid?" and "what qualities do you love about your 10 yr old self?".  I think that's it's amazing how those things remind you of who you are, and who you wanted to be- when you were just you- not the responsible version of 'adult' you.

So now today I find ,myself thinking "what would my  10 yr old self think of my 29 yr old self?". And when I ask that I feel like I'm doing okay- I'm pretty sure my 10 yr old self would aspire to be like 29 yr old self. She would look up to this 'grown up lady'- maybe she'd wish that she had a few more animals around, and possibly wear a bit more trendy clothes, but otherwise- I think she'd say I was not too bad, maybe even a bit of a role model.  And really, despite all of the things that I wish I was better at- or that I aspire to that I haven't quite gotten around to yet, what more can I ask for than that?

(the drink above is what I'm going to enjoy tonight- my new favorite summer cocktail-a Honeysuckle Lemon Balm. mix equal parts White rum, with Lemon juice and a simple syrup made of Honey, add muddled mint or lemon balm leaves, and lots of ice- garnish with lemon slices)

Great Expectations

This week was a big birthday week around here- there is so much cake I'm not sure what to do with it anymore. Not only did someone turn a big 1, but I turned 28, the day before her. 48 hours of birthday is a lot of birthday, it can easily go horribly wrong, but the day was fantastic, not really extraordinary - though we did have a fairly special dinner (crustaceans were harmed, and I don't feel guilty at all- I did feel a bit guilty but then the first morsel of meat hit the butter and the guilt was all gone).

Part of what made the day fantastic, I think, was that I had clear expectations for it and I communicated those expectations to the one who could make it happen (in some cases that person was me). I usually sort of dislike holidays, well, maybe just the holidays that I'm not supposed to be in control of- Valentines, My Birthday, Mother's Day, I live for holidays where I can make cakes, and decorate and control the food supply. I like to do things that make others feel special on special days and I have often felt like I shouldn't do that for myself, that's it's in poor taste or pathetic or something. This birthday I ignored that feeling and it worked great- I used my lovely cake plate and pitcher, we ate from the good china dishes, I made the best birthday cake ever- the one I usually make for other people- upside down ginger nectarine cake (recipe forthcoming)- and it was oh so tasty, and pretty. And when people say "you made you own cake?" disbelievingly, (or pityingly) I have just said yes and smiled because the day was honestly how I wanted it to be.

I don't know for sure if the presence of my daughter makes me more grateful for the little aspects of a regular sweet happy day, and more able to keep my expectations in check but I do know that one of my favorite parts of the day was taking her upstairs after dinner to give her a bath while my Mom and Husband cleaned up the dishes.