On Surrender

There is thing that no one tells you about the first year of your kids life, that survival depends on you bending to their tiny wills. And the newborn is a pro at eliciting this surrender, they are so tiny and cute and special that you will later say that you were honoured to get up six times in the night to nurse and cuddle them back to sleep. I've even said that I miss those special night moments, when the child is finally sleeping through the night.

See - for this first year it's essential that you put their needs first for their survival, it truly doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, but for now the best way to get through it to try to surrender to it as gracefully as possible. This is not easy. It's a big wake up call to the true nature of motherhood, if you're feeling poetic about it you could say that it pushes you to understand how to give, how little is really required for you to survive, how love will make it possible for you to push past all your limits. If you're not being poetic- the truth is that baby owns you. In the nicest possible way of course, and they are falling for you too- learning that you cradle them in just that way, and that your smell and feel means safety and contentment.

It's a kind of a gift, this call to surrender, and a bit of a pain too, and it's difficult to negotiate.You have to distill down what you need to refill your well (because you do have to do that too- you can't just run on nothing for a year and expect it to be okay)- to try and understand that you will be you again, that in fact you are still you- just a different you, with a little less time and sleep, and messier hair. You have to learn to snatch inspiration in small bits, to humble yourself, to distinguish need from want; to figure out how to surrender to motherhood gracefully.

Nothing Makes me Happier...

The sight of a sleeping Toddler is heaven, no matter where she's sleeping. N still sleeps with us in our big bed, she always has, and even though some people think that means she always will I know better. I know that one day in the not too distant future she'll rather die than sleep cuddled up to me, she'll probably want to keep secrets from me, and avoid telling me the whole truth about what went on at that party, or at that school dance. She'll try not to smile when I make a joke, and she'll want to go shopping on her own, or worse, just with her friends.

I know these days are coming, the days when I am not her best friend, when I will have to ask for hugs, and she'll want me to stop dancing, or hugging her, or grooming her, at least in public. And so who can blame me that I hug her tighter at night, now, when she wants me to? I know it will come to an end one day, she will not be two forever, she is already starting to assert herself, to tell us (the lowly parents) to stop singing or dancing, or hugging, and even if we have to force her hand a little one day soon she'll be snuggling up to a stuffed toy in her own bed, and then I'll have days and days of sweet memories of holding my little girl close. 

Ahhh... The Mommy Wars...

I've been following the debate surrounding Erica Jong's article in the wall street journal critiquing Attachment parenting, mainly for being too demanding on women, and not allowing them the time to be involved in political activism, in fact she calls it a tool for the political right. Now, I don't usually rant in this space- but excuse me just this once.

I've been noticing this trend for a while- that the tenets of attachment parenting come under attack for being too hard on the mothers- things like Baby wearing, breastfeeding and co-sleeping all exist under a microscope, any possible danger is weighed so carefully and the practice is questioned. These things make life much easier for the mother, you can either carry your kid everywhere, or put it in a sling, buy food for it or breastfeed it, wake up at night and disturb your own sleep or sleep with the kid, it's not about fashion, or a choice, because for most women the choice is not there, they can't afford child care and so if you have a child you care for it,- in whatever way is easiest for you, it's that simple. I have a theory that these practices are so challenged in mainstream society because they are so politically challenging, they challenge the way we look at individualism, and food supply, and western ideas and ideals.

The assumption that Ms. Jong makes is that women who are at home raising their children (especially the ones in the "prison" of attachment parenting), are operating only in the private sphere, she assumes as do many academic feminists, that mothering takes place outside of the public sphere- meaning that it does not affect our public institutions, politics, economics, or practices. I would argue the opposite, the raising of children is most definitely a political act; in the ways that we sort out the challenges of feeding our families, divide labour in the home, and shape our children's viewpoints. While they occur in the private sphere, these actions affect the public sphere in many ways.

The personal is political after all- a mother who buys organic, and cloth diapers, and breast feeds, one who raises her children to know how to solve conflict in a gentle manner, or even to cook is affecting how our world runs. Not to get too Marxist here, but the idea that women's unpaid labour somehow exists outside of the political is naive at best, and it does women a great disservice- it assumes that the work that falls to women (and likely always will-unless someone figures out how to get a man pregnant), such as mothering, is less important than paid work outside the home. It assumes that the only way for women to affect change, and to impact the world we live in, is to put aside 'women's work' for 'men's work', and that argument is a dangerous one.

Okay, rant done, thanks for indulging me.

Babywearing...what's not to love?

Baby wearing makes everything easier-Well- I suppose mixing up a chocolate cake can be a bit more difficult as the baby will certainly have access to the batter and if they're anything like my babe they will take advantage of that access (Yes-she is eating uncooked cake batter- no I'm not concerned about that). Recently there's been a recall of a baby carrier- It's heartbreaking that children died, and my sympathy goes out to those parents, I can't imagine having to deal with that loss especially when it came about from something meant to bring your child closer to you.
The fact remains though that slings- like almost any product geared towards children-are safe if used properly.

Not only are they safe, but they can be a godsend, for the mother with a colicky baby, for the high-needs child, for the kid that is so smart they need to be stimulated or they will lose their mind- driving their parents to the brink of insanity, for the teething baby, for the active parent.
I've used a couple of types of slings- but Ring Slings are my favorite- I've used one from the moment that N was home until now when a lot of people will ask if she's too big for it (to which say that the rings I use are tested for 250 pounds so if the fabric was stronger I could carry my husband). Slings have allowed my kid to experience my world and be soothed by me without my having to remove myself from my work or society in general.

I'm not sure what it is about slings that makes people so nervous- cribs get recalled, toys get recalled hourly, formula gets recalled- and those things go on- (actually our crib was recalled and we get guff about not putting her to sleep in it- so go figure). The thing about being a parent is that you want to protect your kid from everything- and doing that means that you have to educate yourself about how to use your sling properly, and which slings are safe. Just like anything else.

The slings that were recalled were pouch style slings- what I love about ring slings is that they hold your baby just like you would hold them with your arms, which is key to safety:

here's a few links to safety sites:
http://babyslingsafety.blogspot.com/
http://www.babyslingsafe.com/

and here's a call to action from Adventures in Babywearing. Go there to check out more sling stories.

Learning...

"In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy"- William Blake.

I feel like this quote is so appropriate for how I'm feeling lately, I almost can't wait for winter- for quiet, and solitude. I say almost because I'd really like my tomatoes to ripen up before I harvest them- so a few more days of warmth would be welcome. The air is crisp- my toes want socks, and the big blanket is on the bed, It's officially fall, and the quiet fall days of my maternity leave are not happening this year, University is starting today, and with it my Marking and T.A-ing starts, and also it's craft sale season, and for the first time I'm on the selling end of these sales- which is a bit daunting.

I'm not just toiling over salsa, and blanched tomatoes- though I plan to do that too, this year Fall is for learning how to balance this motherhood/homemaking gig with other occupations, which will hopefully work well together, but one never knows, just because you work from home doesn't mean you always time to clean the fridge or read stories- or shower even, if we're honest.

I feel lucky to be able to do this job of Full-Time-Mama from home, and also to have a job that can be worked from home, but it's a bit non-stop if you know what I mean. The attachment parenting principle of Balance, is the one that's hard, the one where you have time to groom yourself as well as teach your child, and feed your soul, that what I have to work on.

Teeth

For the last week I've been sleeping like a newborn- up every 2 hours, that is. I think it's because of the pearly gems emerging in N's mouth that she's been up so much at night. (she's getting teeth two at a time now, poor girl). Monday night was the absolute worst though- so bad we went to 'sleep' in the guest bedroom so as not to wake K.

I woke up because she was up- but not only was she up-she was busy hugging daddy- hugging Ferdinand (the cat- who suffered only so much of that- then took off), and generally just sitting up babbling and being a nuisance. I know that I can't blame this on teeth- but maybe new skills and tooth pain, and the heat have been conspiring???- all I know is that every time she wakes up - she sits up in bed and looks around to see what's going on.

Last night she slept fitfully- thank goodness- so hopefully this has passed, if not I guess I need to try something new. The thing that kills me about it is that even though she's already got six teeth- there's still so many more to come! I don't want to stop co-sleeping or nursing at night- and it's usually not that disruptive for me, I firmly believe it's allowed me to sleep more than if she were in her crib- but if this keeps up I'm going to have to change something. What is to be made of these baffling sleep changes? does anyone have any advice about this?

Attached

We are attachment parents- though I don't always use these methods-(it makes sense for me to use a stroller sometimes), but it seems like attachment parenting is what I would do naturally, reading about atachment parenting is like getting advice from a more experienced version of myself.

Anyways the result of this is, somewhat predictably, that N and I are attached-seriously-attached. It's not a big deal when we're at home- Dada is also an acceptable cuddler for the babe- but when things or people are new this girl wants her Mama to be within arm's reach. It can be a bit vexing as people will either reassure me of how normal she is to act this way (as if I'm worried about it, which I'm not, my girl has a wide independent streak in her, just not around strangers), or try to force her to be okay with being away from me (in the "oh you don't need your Mama" vein of persuasion, which rarely works, and breaks my heart every time I hear it).

The most reassuring thing happened when my nieces were out visiting- if N would cry or get 'sadface' while the girls were playing with her- the youngest girl would say "I think she wants you" to me. It was so simple and true, and refreshing, with no judgement behind it-which is rare when it comes to parenting advice.

One of the ideas of Attachment parenting that sold me on the concept was that you know best what works for your child- that listening to your child and ignoring the advice that doesn't work for your family is the best way to parent. It seems easy enough except that parenting advice doesn't always come in books that you can choose not to read, most of it comes from people you know- who only want the best for you, and that makes it harder to push aside.

Just imagine what a parenting book would be like if written by a child- surely it would contain the other phrase my neice said to me: "I think she just wants milk from your breast now".