On Surrender

There is thing that no one tells you about the first year of your kids life, that survival depends on you bending to their tiny wills. And the newborn is a pro at eliciting this surrender, they are so tiny and cute and special that you will later say that you were honoured to get up six times in the night to nurse and cuddle them back to sleep. I've even said that I miss those special night moments, when the child is finally sleeping through the night.

See - for this first year it's essential that you put their needs first for their survival, it truly doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, but for now the best way to get through it to try to surrender to it as gracefully as possible. This is not easy. It's a big wake up call to the true nature of motherhood, if you're feeling poetic about it you could say that it pushes you to understand how to give, how little is really required for you to survive, how love will make it possible for you to push past all your limits. If you're not being poetic- the truth is that baby owns you. In the nicest possible way of course, and they are falling for you too- learning that you cradle them in just that way, and that your smell and feel means safety and contentment.

It's a kind of a gift, this call to surrender, and a bit of a pain too, and it's difficult to negotiate.You have to distill down what you need to refill your well (because you do have to do that too- you can't just run on nothing for a year and expect it to be okay)- to try and understand that you will be you again, that in fact you are still you- just a different you, with a little less time and sleep, and messier hair. You have to learn to snatch inspiration in small bits, to humble yourself, to distinguish need from want; to figure out how to surrender to motherhood gracefully.

Navel Gazing

Photo taken by my Mom- you can see the bump in my lap there- it looks like a
beach ball on my lap.

 

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the mental prep for childbirth. I am currently in the

"any day now" stage of pregnancy, and specifically as I went to the Dr. last week and she was pretty sure that labour would start soon. Which of course makes you crazy, thinking about what needs to be done, and how it's all going to go and what it all means, and everyone asking you how you are feeling all. the. time.

 

Well anyhow- a few days after being told that the baby would possibly be here early- it's still not here- or birthed I suppose I should say. This is fine with me really- a few more nights to get a good rest in, a few more days to do some laundry and to prep the big sister for what's coming, a chance to let my body do it's job without getting induced or forced or whatever, the baby is happy and healthy, I'm healthy, it's all good. But this last week has made me think about what is required to bring this kid out, I mean Labour is really the equivalent of running a marathon stamina wise- you need to be in good shape, and any other little niggle of doubt, or pain or fear is not going to help in the end goal (my end goal is as natural a birth as possible, no pain meds beside laughing gas, and no other interventions that are not strictly needed, just because I think the odds are better health wise for both mama and baby in that situation- less recovery time, better breastfeeding, less complications and grogginess etc).

 

This time around I am aware of how tired I will be after it all- and how much effort it's going to take, and also I'm aware that I'm bringing a new element into my family life. It's going to be an adjustment, no matter how happy an adjustment, and I'm aware that there are things that make my family run more smoothly; a good sleep schedule, nutritious, plentiful and tasty food, a clean house, a really regular routine, with minimal visits, and fewer planned activities.

 

So I'm trying to get those things in order- just in case it happens early, remembering to take some time to look inward as well, to prepare myself mentally for the emotional aspect of birth, to give myself some space to breathe, and think, and get calm, and ready and excited all at the same time. To minimize doubts about this (because really it's a bit too late for that right? I'm sort of committed to this whole second child thing now...though putting that extra car seat in was a bit of Woah! moment), to reassure myself that I can do this in any way I have to, that I will be as strong as I need to be, whatever happens. It's a pretty big deal, a pretty big transition to make, and navigate and I want to enjoy that as well, that in between time, when things are just on the cusp of changing, when you have to give up control, and let something else take over.

 

I'm going to be a bit absent here for a while, at least until the baby comes and then probably after it's here for a 'coupla few minutes' as N would say too- but I will let you know when the new sweet one emerges, I promise.

 

Pacing ourselves

The old iron bed I made an outdoor cushion for will eventually go by the garden- but for now it's sitting in between the spruce trees on the lane, and it's a wonderfully private place to relax and enjoy a cuddle.

The remnants of some cold sticky treat are ever present around N's mouth these hot days.

 

I've been trying to learn how to pace myself this last little while. You see, this whole making a baby inside me thing is sort of tough work, and for some reason this pregnancy is taking a little more effort on my part. I don't know if I just don't remember how it felt the first time- recalling only those last super nesting days (months) when I was like a hurricane of weeding and pickling and baking and sewing, and painting and redecorating, and blanching and freezing.  Seriously, I kept a journal of my daily chores- it is mind boggling- on the day N was due I made two types of pickles (which included pulling the veggies from the garden, and cleaning them), baked a pie- (peach raspberry with a lattice top- hands down one of the best pies I've ever made), and cleaned the house in preparation for a new couch being delivered. I am not feeling that Superwoman vibe this time around, and I think I've got more on my plate now too.

So  I'm trying to adopt a pace somewhere between toddler and my normal non-hormonal self, which would be a good one I think, if I can garner enough patience to immerse myself in it. I've been paying attention to my girl a lot lately- the way that she can focus on a task for about 30-40 minutes and then it's time for a break, a snack, a rest, a story, just something different. When she starts fidgeting or filling my shoes with dirt- or trying to sit on my lap while I crouch down to weed plants it's a sign that she's had enough for now, and it's probably time for me to have a break too.

I'm really trying to take my work and fit it into little bite size chunks, to accept that what would usually take me a day or two will take double that time right now. I'm trying to remind myself to rest now and again, to take a page from the toddler's book and set aside a few moments to listen to the bees, or play with the worms, or to just do everything a bit  more slowly. Sometimes I find myself rushing around doing something harmless, but the speed I'm doing it at is totally too much, it's like extreme kitchen cleaning or something, and that will wear a person out.

The funny thing about all this is that normally my Toddler's pace drives me crazy when I have stuff to do. I also get frustrated with the way they are so intense and busy at certain times, then totally lackadaisical other times. I like to get stuff done, I like to get it done efficiently, both my husband and I value timeliness, and concise working habits- which are not big on the toddler skill list. Sometimes though, you miss things when you hurry about your work, and there's something magical about the way that a Toddler will take their time to do things and allow their curiosity to choose their direction. It's sometimes frustrating as a busy parent- but you have to admire it as well, you know?

I feel like one of the things that N has taught me is patience, and I value that immensely- the biggest compliments I've gotten as a parent have been when someone tells me that I'm so patient with her (usually after hearing me coerce her to do something, like try to sit on the potty, or put clothes on). Patience is a value that doesn't come naturally to me, it's probably the thing I work hardest at cultivating in myself. It's also one of the first things to fly out the window when I'm tired or stressed or whatever, that's why it's such a big compliment to hear how patient I am with N. It's an effort for me to be that patient, but I want her to learn that skill early on, to learn that it is something you can learn to be. Maybe the thing that this yet to be born babe will teach me is how to be patient with myself- because that is way tougher than just being patient with the adorable blondie who will cry when I'm not patient with her.

40 bags in 40 days

Well - 10 bags this week! yes we finally started tackling the veranda- it's a scary spot- but we managed to pick out a few things we don't need- we also found a few gems- some crafting stuff- thread, some maracas and possibly best of all- a skeleton back scratcher. those last two were favorites of N's- but then again- she was also rescuing a giant advertisement with some kid on it from the garbage repeatedly- so one man's trash and all that.

The room is still far from complete though and the 10 boxes only bring my total up to 32- I don't think I'll have a hard time finding 8 more boxes of stuff in the next few days. I'll extend my forty days a bit maybe- give myself until Easter Sunday- if that's okay.

All in all though this exercise has been great- the disaster areas I went through and cleaned up are for the most part still clean!! which is amazing- also amazing is the amount of stuff I don't miss at all- what was I doing with that stuff?? storing it mostly I guess- I need to figure out how to make myself believe that my house is not a storage unit- it's a place to live- a place that doesn't need a lot of stuff to fill it because that stuff just gets in the way of life, and I want my house to facilitate my life, not hamper it.

I Love...how grown up she's getting

(carrying baby Elmo in a sling- she's very attentive to her babies)

N has been having a few tantrums lately, I don't know when it started but suddenly I realized she's not just crying when she doesn't get her way- she's a little out of control. So yesterday I read some advice about them- and I think we're on our way to dealing with them. The main reason for most of her outbursts is when she can't tell us what she wants, you see she has some pretty specific requests, and they're hard to interpret with grunts and hand gestures, which is where she's at. She makes lots of sounds and does a few 'words' (ca for cat- aipe-for diaper), but when she wants things she makes hand gestures or pushes us and moves our bodies to make us see/pick her up/walk over there- she also does a great dismissive wave and head shake if the things we're offering are not what she wants.

And what she wants is not so easy anymore- they're two or three step maneuvers hard to interpret- such as-"oh...you want to get that eraser from the office and put it in the mouth of the doll in the living room the one that sings while you press it's tummy- all while sitting on my lap, not on your own, in this chair- not that chair- definitely not that chair, and I press the tummy, and you put in the eraser, not the other way around, and then we clap". I think she's learning and she's developing these skills and she understands us and I wasn't challenging her enough. I was still at the last stage and she's moved on- moved on to helping wash dishes and counters, to sweeping and dumping flour in the mixer, to making her own art instead of just watching me- and she was getting bored, and then frustrated and then mad.

I need to find new activities for her- I need to challenge her- and seriously at this rate she's going to be keeping me on my toes- I feel sorry for her future teachers. Yesterday I let her help more and I was shocked by what she could do, and at how her attitude changed so much just by me explaining things to her, and asking her things. It's a beautiful thing to see a person grow.

Things my Grandmother Taught Me

1. It's important to be yourself- always- no matter who that is.
2. You can turn a day around with a little candy.
3. Cookies taste better when you make them a little fancy- with a cherry on top.
4. You can make a 5 yr old feel so special just be letting them be the boss for an hour.
5. You feel better when you take care of yourself- and your appearance.
6. Even if you fight sometimes- your husband can still be the love of your life.
7. The excitement of stirring the pot is not worth the trouble.
8. Everyone shows love differently.
9. Singing and dancing are fun- even if it makes you feel foolish at first.
10.It's important to pay attention to children.

All of these things I've learned through her example- and I can't be more thankful to have her in my life.