First Day

Oh Man- I can't believe it -N is at school. The weather played along beautifully giving us that first crisp morning- new backpack squeaking, and nerves fluttering away in your stomach. She of course did remarkably well, no tears, only a small anxiety, mostly excitement.   I'm hit by melancholy that is unexpected, huddling a cup of milky decaf with a few drops of rescue remedy lingering under my tongue, not a mess, but not quite hunky dory either.

I was not expecting myself to feel anything but relieved at having more free time, and I can use it, and there will be less of it than I think, the 2 yr old making sure of that- but I feel a sense of loss too, or not quite loss- but nerves, and nostalgia. These years do slip by, and my baby girl is not a baby anymore at all, I can't even hold on to a little bit of her baby ways- she even pronounces the R in her name now- though I know Kindergarten is a slow year, it's the beginning of quicker years, of school buses and field trips, and of her making connections I know nothing of, and of her growing up- which I heartily look forward to, but I think I must also mark it's passing.

And N, my sensitive spirited child- who is so attached to me that she's made special rituals up that she "can remember me by" when I leave, who kisses me goodnight in a special pattern, that MUST happen, is totally fine and at ease in her classroom. The only request she made was that I tell her before I leave the classroom- but really she was trying to say goodbye to Me and Baby A as soon as she got up this morning. When I did say goodbye- she gave me a big hug and quickly checked that the hair elastic was on her wrist (to remember me by- the equivalent of a string tied around a finger, I sometimes wonder if she stops when I'm not there, and fingers it- wondering- "who am I supposed to remember? Oh right, MOM!- like I'm some errand she could forget if she got distracted), then ran off to sit and listen to the story on the carpet, I'm sure she will excel in Kindergarten.

I'm sure too she's in the right place- people know her, she was greeted by her name in the classroom - stopped by another teacher in the hall and asked her name, and congratulated on her hello kitty backpack (it's all about the backpack). It's a small school, just the right size for her- and she will love it there, and be safe, and learn all sorts of lessons.